If I have written a W code at the end of one the sentences in your paper (or in the margin), then I have seen one or more words that you could eliminate or rephrase so that you could more concisely express your ideas.
Sometimes, you will reread a sentence and see obviously unnecessary or repetitive words. On other occasions, the problematic construction may not be as clear. The information on this page will help you identify and revise some of the less obvious concision problems.
Please Tell That Obnoxious College Professor in Your Head to Quiet Down
For some reason, when we write for college (and often, alas, for our jobs) we decide that we need to sound like obnoxious college professors who talk through their noses and throw in all sorts of foofy sounding words to bedazzle and bore us into submission. More than anything else, this concision page is plea to turn from that pedantic voice in your head and find your own analytical voice: smart but clear and concise.
One of my favorite web sites to explore this topic is The Nuts and Bolts of College Writing. I particularly admire the sections on clarity of expression:
I hope you take the time to read these pages. Indeed, I would not be shocked if some quiz material showed up asking you about Nuts and Bolts. |
Variations of "it is" and "there is," expletive constructions not only add fluff to your prose but they frequently create grammar confusions and limit your ability to deploy a variety of sentence forms and shapes in your writing. If you find one of these expressions or a variation on the theme ("the reason is," "another reason for this is ..."), rewrite the sentence without the expletive construction. Here are a few samples:
It is
It was
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It is obvious that California has a powerful hold on our imaginations. |
California obviously has a powerful hold on our imaginations.
This not only cuts down some words; this phrasing more clearly identifies the agent/actor of the sentence. |
There is
There are
There was
There were |
There is no way to convince Californians to park their cars and use public transportation. |
State officials have no way to convince Californians to park their cars and use public transportation.
In this version, the writer does not save any words but does more clearly identify who has no way of convincing California's voters. Again, concision revisions clarify agency (who or what is responsible for what happened) . |
When you start reading your writing closely for unnecessary words, the number of times you include redundant words and phrases will surprise you. These redundant words not only bloat sentences but they make your writing sound pompous. Here is an example to help you think about what to look for, but remember, no grammar guide can list all the possible variations of redundant writing that humans have created; you will need to carefully read for this in the editing and proofreading stages of your writing.
Sentence with Redundant Language |
Corrected Sentence |
| Personally, I think that California needs to learn how to pay as it goes. Only then can we control our budget problems. |
I think that California needs to learn how to pay as it goes ...
or
California needs to learn to pay as it goes ...(after all, we already know that this is your opinion; your name is on the essay)
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| Governor Schwarzenegger is a person who will learn from his mistakes and regroup. |
Governor Schwarzenegger will learn from his mistakes and regroup. |
| In event that Californians decide to pay their true budget costs each year, they will soon discover that we need more tax revenue. |
If Californians decide to pay their true budget costs each year, they will soon discover that we need more tax revenue. |
Web Resources
- Garbl's Writing Center provides a detailed list of redundant phrasings and suggestions for revising them.
- For another list of redundant expressions, visit A Guide to Grammar and Writing's Concision section.
Often we can simplify clauses into phrases and phrases into words by carefully revising out language that does not add to the meaning of the sentence:
Sentence with Empty Words |
Corrected Sentence |
| One of the best examples in recent times of a celebrity being overexposed is that of Brittany Spears. |
Brittany Spears is a recent example of an overexposed celebrity.
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| MiraCosta College, which was founded in 1961, has an impressive array of vocational course offerings. |
Founded in 1934, MiraCosta College has an impressive array of vocational course offerings. |
| California Democrats, who were frustrated with Gray Davis, voted for Schwarzenegger in droves. |
Frustrated Democrats voted for Schwarzenegger in droves. |
You will find that many of the most pretentious sounding "filler" phrases that we have all mastered have much more succinct and clear alternatives.
Wordy Phrase |
Concise Alternative |
- due to the fact that
- in view of the fact that
- the reason for
- for the reason that
- this is why
- in light of the fact that
- on the ground that
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- despite the fact that
- regardless of the fact that
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- as regards
- in reference to
- concerning the matter of
- where...is concerned
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- concerning, about, regarding
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- it is necessary that
- there is a need for
- it is important that
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- has the ability to
- is able to
- is in a position to
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- in order to
- for the purpose of
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Web Resource
For an even more developed list of wordy expressions and alternatives to them, visit Garbl's Concise Writing Guide's list of wordy phrases
Nine out of ten times, you can revise words such as very, really, clearly, quite,and of course from your sentences.
From: California's geographic diversity is very unique.
To: California's geographic diversity is unique.
From: California's natural beauty is really great.
To: California's natural beauty is inspiring.
Qualifying your arguments is always a good idea. For this reason, words likeapparently, seem, perhaps, possibly, and some can play a useful role in a writer's toolbox. But overuse can also considerably weaken your prose:
Example:
In most situations, California's complex economy tends to generate enough revenue to satisfy our insatiable appetite for public services.
Revision
California's complex economy often generates enough revenue to satisfy our insatiable appetite for public services.
Page Updated:
September 20, 2008
Instructor: Jim Sullivan
College Web Site: Miracosta College
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